Life in the slow lane

'M.E. myself and I' by Anna Redshaw

Decisions, decisions

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Anna Redshaw

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I have lost the ability to make decisions. I find them quite distressing. Simple choices have come to feel as if they are the most important decisions in the world.

I don't know why.

Perhaps it is a lack of confidence; that I have lost confidence in my physical and cognitive abilities, so how can I possibly trust anything that comes from me…

I know it is Anxiety but it's worth mentioning that the hypothalamus, a small part of the brain, seems to have gone slightly to-pot in CFS/ME sufferers. One of the things it is meant to regulate is adrenal responses.

On the days when my health could go either way I find myself weighing up whether or not I should cancel any plans I may have for that day. What would be worse for example, the post exertional malaise or the searing disappointment. I get this feeling a lot, especially since I entered into a relationship. Will I seem incredibly boring and miserable if I opt to stay at home yet again because my energy is low and I feel a bit dizzy? Or should I push through those symptoms and go out for coffee and lovely conversation? In truth I found you can be honest and meet in the middle somewhere by having coffee and lovely conversation in the comfort of your own home. Who knew?!

It's just that I'm rarely able to take the leap in choosing which option to take. I used to be independent and decisive. Well I think. I've been this New Anna for so long now I perhaps put the Old Anna on some kind of pedestal.

Everything now feels as if it has to be weighed up to find the lesser of two evils. Will the payback that comes after certain food/activity/temperature change/stimulus be 'better' if I choose X or Y?

At my poorliest, during those Dining Room Days, I could not even make a choice between meal options. Being asked if I fancied chicken or fish was somehow incredibly, incredibly stressful. We got to the point where those decisions were made for me.

Seven years in and I still look for my mum when I struggle in this way, and now Mr Tree Surgeon too.

3 responses to “Decisions, decisions”

  1. Anne Mayo Avatar
    Anne Mayo

    Dear Anna, I too have great difficulty in making the most ordinary of decisions. I can find making decisions very, very tiring. I don’t seem to have the energy to concentrate. I often just let others make decisions. I just can’t do it. Usually this works out fine. But I am ashamed and embarrassed that I don’t have the energy, which is pretty ridiculous. I usually don’t let on that I cannot make the decision required. For example, in a restaurant, I will eat what my friend is eating. I’m ok at ordering drinks as I know what I like. But, food is often too difficult to decide upon.
    I have a lot of trouble concentrating. I just take in a little of a conversation. I do my best, but I just can’t keep up. It’s the same watching TV. I just get the gist of what’s going on. Pretty frustrating, especially when I want to take as much in as possible.
    Just been on holiday for two weeks to Portugal with friend Rob. It was really nice. The weather was lovely and hot. I usually sit in the shade, maybe with an arm or foot in the sun. But the ability to concentrate is just not there. It just wears me out.
    Oh dear, what a wreck I am. Nice to hear from you. All best wishes.
    Anne Mayo, Oakham

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  2. craftschronicillnessandadulting Avatar
    craftschronicillnessandadulting

    Always nice to know that someone else has the same experiences. I find that I often feel like a silent bystander, even in conversations I’m supposed to be present in but I just don’t have the energy to concentrate. Words flow in one ear and directly out the other, my mind retaining very little. Things must be written down for any hope of remembrance. When faced with on the spot decisions I feel like one one is asking me to move a pen with my mind alone. My brain is like ‘resource unavailable’. I’m sorry you have to go through this too.

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  3. Tess Avatar
    Tess

    I hate the daily question of what would I like to eat or is there anything specific I need to do or needs doing. Those simple words mean nothing to so many people but I find it so stressful being forced to think about something that actually I don’t care what I eat & I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything & I hate being made to make a decision that I find myself getting impatient with my husband. I love the words from the reply above ‘resource unavailable’ I think I’ll get that tattooed onto my forehead 🙂

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Hello,

I’m Anna

Welcome to M.E. myself and I, my tiny little corner of the internet where I share snippets of life in the slow lane. You’ll also find all things Blue Sunday here, the annual fundraising event I started in 2013 to raise awareness of M.E., include people living with the illness, and raise money for the M.E. charities who support us.

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