I have lost the ability to make decisions. I find them quite distressing. Simple choices have come to feel as if they are the most important decisions in the world.
I don't know why.
Perhaps it is a lack of confidence; that I have lost confidence in my physical and cognitive abilities, so how can I possibly trust anything that comes from me…
I know it is Anxiety but it's worth mentioning that the hypothalamus, a small part of the brain, seems to have gone slightly to-pot in CFS/ME sufferers. One of the things it is meant to regulate is adrenal responses.
On the days when my health could go either way I find myself weighing up whether or not I should cancel any plans I may have for that day. What would be worse for example, the post exertional malaise or the searing disappointment. I get this feeling a lot, especially since I entered into a relationship. Will I seem incredibly boring and miserable if I opt to stay at home yet again because my energy is low and I feel a bit dizzy? Or should I push through those symptoms and go out for coffee and lovely conversation? In truth I found you can be honest and meet in the middle somewhere by having coffee and lovely conversation in the comfort of your own home. Who knew?!
It's just that I'm rarely able to take the leap in choosing which option to take. I used to be independent and decisive. Well I think. I've been this New Anna for so long now I perhaps put the Old Anna on some kind of pedestal.
Everything now feels as if it has to be weighed up to find the lesser of two evils. Will the payback that comes after certain food/activity/temperature change/stimulus be 'better' if I choose X or Y?
At my poorliest, during those Dining Room Days, I could not even make a choice between meal options. Being asked if I fancied chicken or fish was somehow incredibly, incredibly stressful. We got to the point where those decisions were made for me.
Seven years in and I still look for my mum when I struggle in this way, and now Mr Tree Surgeon too.