Every now and then I have a complete crisis of confidence. Not regularly, and not for very long, but every now and then.
I question why on earth someone like him would choose someone like me. I wonder if my friends have only stuck around through pity. I struggle to see myself as more than nothing. I struggle to accept the lovely views that other people have of me. I measure my self worth by the things I can no longer do.
I see this poorly version of myself as having very little to offer; as so boring and plain. The constant lack of energy has dampened my personality and left an almost empty shell.
I attach so much to the old, healthy version of myself.
We are getting married later this year and when he proposed I was so shocked that HE would want to marry ME that I could do nothing more than repeat over and over that exact point “YOU want to marry me?! Really?!”
Why can I no longer see my own worth? Why can I not see myself through the eyes of others?
And then when I hear through the grapevine that others have been questioning what it is he sees in this poorly version of myself…then follows utter desolation.
This illness has taken so much, and some days it also takes my self worth. Those are hard days.