It can be hard not to feel pathetic sometimes.
If I have big plans in the evening, and by big plans I mean leaving the house, I tend to spend all day just sitting and waiting.
It would be lovely to be able to potter around beforehand, but my energy is so precious that I can do nothing more than wait until it’s time to go out.
Sitting and waiting doesn’t do much good when you think of the anxiety that I have come to experience. I cannot trust my body to behave and so I tend to sit and wait and worry and overthink about what the evening will bring. It is my whole day – those couple of hours out of the house. More often than not they are my whole week.
I feel utterly pathetic. And it almost takes away the joy and excitement at having plans.
Life feels quite hard on these days. I feel desperate to be normal; not special, just someone who doesn’t have to plan and live life as if it’s a military operation.