I was reminded back in early 2011 that we are “human beings not human doings.” Life is lived at such a first pace these days and we have, apparently, become focused on what we ‘should’ be doing. “I should be able to do this…” “I should be able to do that…”
The CFS/ME clinic advised us to ban the use of the word ‘should’. Comparing oneself to ones peers was something else we were to stop doing. My friends were moving in with partners, getting new jobs, travelling the world, having babies… My outings were monthly and were usually trips to see a Doctor.
For the most part I follow the clinic’s advise and guidance to the letter but being confined to bed again this week has led me to feel a tad worthless. I am coming up to 25 years old. I have a good degree that I may never be able to use. (That’s not me being pessimistic but realistic.) Financially I may never be able to move out of my family home, where I live now. What a I doing with my life? When I say this out loud the response is nearly always that I am poorly; It’s not as if I have chosen this lifestyle. I know, I know.
I have become a human ‘being’. I consider myself to be quite good at ‘living in the now’ but it is only natural to look at what may, or may not, lie ahead. There are aspects of my new life that I hope will stay with me forever. I am more laid back and carefree. I worry less about the ‘little’ things and have a new found perspective that is favourable to how I saw things before. Alas, I so badly want to be more of a human doing than I am.
I don’t want my days to centre around medication and whether or not I can achieve having a shower and getting dressed. It’s a wonderful sense of achievement when I can put my own laundry away but I want more than that. Who wouldn’t?
I’m not asking or wishing for the earth. I’d just like a little more than ‘this’.