Busy doing nothing*

*by nothing I mean getting through a single day whilst drowning in debilitating and restrictive symptoms…

Being off work doesn’t mean I’m free. I have an incredibly hectic schedule, full to the brim of feeling too awful to do anything.

The implication that I have an incredible amount of spare time irritates me. In truth, I hardly have any at all.

I might be free in that I have no plans, but I’m rarely available. I get small pockets of time during the day, if I’m lucky, where certain symptoms might ease enough to allow me to reply to an email, or read comments left on my blog, or brush my teeth, or go and see the guinea pigs…

With this in mind, I don’t need you to give me tasks or things to do to keep me occupied or make me feel useful. I understand your thinking, but I don’t need it. In fact it adds unnecessary pressure and stress, as I invariably have to pass on the task to others, or completely write off the rest of my day to fulfil what you’re asking of me.

It also adds to the feeling I am already fighting that my life is often pathetic and lacking purpose.

I feel other people project how they’d feel if they had to live their lives like mine; ie. they’d feel it was pointless and devoid of all meaning and so would need these small things to do in order to get some sense of fulfilment.

Your reasoning, that x, y, or z will give me a sense of achievement, seems inaccurate. Because I get a sense of achievement in so many places. I put this jumper on myself. I made this coffee. And perhaps the greatest achievement of the morning was realising I need to be back in bed after only 15 minutes of being out of it.

My life might be so different from yours, but different doesn’t mean less.

ID: Anna sitting up in bed wearing a grey jumper. She’s holding a mug of coffee and smiling at the camera. She’s sporting her Relapse Haircut (where 5 inches were hacked off with the Good Kitchen Scissors). She looks fine, good even. She’s not. But for the few seconds it took for this picture to be taken, she looks fine.

Published by Anna Redshaw

Blogging about life in the slow lane with an invisible, chronic illness. I wasn't always a sick chick so this is somewhat of a life changing experience!

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