I am now 3 whole stone heavier than I was when my M.E. journey began in September 2010. Today that fact makes me miserable. Everything wobbles. Nothing is toned. My thighs and bum are covered in cellulite and have lost the shape they once had. I repulse myself if I’m being truly honest. I feel disgusting.
Okay so I was lazy at uni and put on a bit of weight. Ironically it was joining the gym that seemed to be the final nail in the coffin for my apparently exhausted body and within a two weeks of starting my membership, my M.E. journey had begun.
When you have few pleasures in life, chocolate and treats can be hard to give up. But I have cut down on them so much. Yet still the weight piles on. If I am fending for myself I do not have the energy (or the skill) to create healthy meals. Instead I can do frozen pizza, fish fingers, microwaveable ready meals. All dependent on if I’m strong enough to open the oven/microwave door. Toast is simpler and easier.
Frozen peas are the only vegetable I can regularly eat. Broccoli upsets my stomach. Fruit can make me feel poorly. One day I can eat it okay and then another it causes pain and upsets my digestive system. In spite of my unruly digestive system I eat well.
I have lost my jawline and my waist. The only area that hasn’t gained anything is the area that needs it most! My boobs.
My stomach looks like an upside down bowl has been placed under my ribs. I can’t see my feet when I look down and I am surprised that no-one has asked if I’m pregnant. I’m not.
I am embarrassed to show any skin above my knees and I cover my arms with a cardigan even in sweltering heat.
It’s the lumps and bumps that get me, not the number staring back at me when I stand on the scales. At the time of writing this I am 14 stone and 4 pounds. I am 5’7 so I feel ‘big’ already.
I don’t want “insightful” comments about how they’re just numbers and the right clothes size is the one that fits. I feel fat. I miss exercise – and by that I even mean just simply being able to wander and walk around more.