Team work

May was somewhat of an epic month for me. I knew it would be with Blue Sunday and then a best friend’s wedding. Hence the blog silence. I have noticed a big dip in my physical wellbeing. But cognitively I have managed to read my first back since 2014! (How quickly things can change. One of my blog drafts, written only a few weeks ago, was on the subject of how I hadn’t been able to read more than a page of a book for over a year.)


So with an incredibly busy, intense and stressful May, I was getting a bit overwhelmed. Beating myself up for not being able to do everything and anything despite my apparent physical improvement this year. I was getting frustrated by the fact that I was frustrated… I feel like I still cannot do anything for other people, like help around the house regularly. 

But I need to stop. I need to take a step back and put rest and recovery first again. In May this was hard for reasons beyond my control. That is life. But if I don’t make a conscious effort to slow down now I will start to sink. The warning signs are looming. I need to stop trying to run before I can walk. I need to give in. I should use the wheelchair more for day trips, if there are any. Get lifts, instead of desperately trying to drive myself and be independent. Let M.E. win the battles so I can win the war, rather than clawing away to get one over on my health. I haven’t necessarily been doing this constantly but I think I need to be more mindful; to let myself be as poorly as I am. To listen to my body. I’m kicking against it a little bit and that’s not a good idea.

And I need to take a step back and look at how well I am doing, rather than focusing on what I still cannot do. Without even realising it there are huge improvements on where I was this time last year. I tend to now cut up my own food! I can use a plate instead of a bowl, a knife and fork rather than fork and spoon. For a good few months I had managed to change my own bed, if I did half in the morning and then the other half in the evening. My hair is now shoulder length(!!!!) and I am managing to wash it by myself! 

I need to remind myself that we’re a team; me, my body and my brain. Rarely are we on the same page, but we’re a team! Cheering each other on as best we can. When Body has bad days, Brain and I need to try not to berate it too much. Body is doing it’s best, as is Brain. As am I. 

And as are you. 



 

Published by Anna Redshaw

Blogging about life in the slow lane with an invisible, chronic illness. I wasn't always a sick chick so this is somewhat of a life changing experience!

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