May was somewhat of an epic month for me. I knew it would be with Blue Sunday and then a best friend’s wedding. Hence the blog silence. I have noticed a big dip in my physical wellbeing. But cognitively I have managed to read my first back since 2014! (How quickly things can change. One of my blog drafts, written only a few weeks ago, was on the subject of how I hadn’t been able to read more than a page of a book for over a year.)
So with an incredibly busy, intense and stressful May, I was getting a bit overwhelmed. Beating myself up for not being able to do everything and anything despite my apparent physical improvement this year. I was getting frustrated by the fact that I was frustrated… I feel like I still cannot do anything for other people, like help around the house regularly.
But I need to stop. I need to take a step back and put rest and recovery first again. In May this was hard for reasons beyond my control. That is life. But if I don’t make a conscious effort to slow down now I will start to sink. The warning signs are looming. I need to stop trying to run before I can walk. I need to give in. I should use the wheelchair more for day trips, if there are any. Get lifts, instead of desperately trying to drive myself and be independent. Let M.E. win the battles so I can win the war, rather than clawing away to get one over on my health. I haven’t necessarily been doing this constantly but I think I need to be more mindful; to let myself be as poorly as I am. To listen to my body. I’m kicking against it a little bit and that’s not a good idea.
And I need to take a step back and look at how well I am doing, rather than focusing on what I still cannot do. Without even realising it there are huge improvements on where I was this time last year. I tend to now cut up my own food! I can use a plate instead of a bowl, a knife and fork rather than fork and spoon. For a good few months I had managed to change my own bed, if I did half in the morning and then the other half in the evening. My hair is now shoulder length(!!!!) and I am managing to wash it by myself!
I need to remind myself that we’re a team; me, my body and my brain. Rarely are we on the same page, but we’re a team! Cheering each other on as best we can. When Body has bad days, Brain and I need to try not to berate it too much. Body is doing it’s best, as is Brain. As am I.
And as are you.