Foreign Territory

I feel like I’m doing a kind of social experiment now!

So I’ve been on an online dating site for a week now.

If someone messages with ‘Hi, how are you?’ I’m not massively impressed. Whereas if it’s clear from someone’s message that they’ve read my profile I will always reply. I’ve been asked on five dates. I’m not keen on meeting a couple of them because they haven’t made any effort to get me first and I don’t have energy to waste here people. I’ve told one I can’t possibly meet before Christmas. He says he’d like to wait. He thinks it’s because Christmas is busy because of our family business. It’s half true!

Of the five men who’ve asked me out (how hilarious is that?!) I’ve only told two of them that I have Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. (I haven’t uttered those two letter M and E on purpose.) One man dissected the words to work out what they meant. I mentioned mitochondrial failure and he instantly knew I must have a depleted energy supply. He’s asked a few questions but it doesn’t feel like an issue. Yet. He doesn’t ask if I’m tired, rather if my energy levels are okay. Should we clone him???

So how am I finding it?

A bit scary and overwhelming. But enjoyable. I think it’s important to be out of your comfort zone once in a while. But only if your health can cope!

Even just messaging is wearing me out but I’m quite excited. The adrenaline realised however is proving problematic. Adrenaline is exhausting. It’s going to be my biggest challenge I think. It’s a big reason why I’ve avoided this whole thing! I think I suffer from adrenal fatigue…

Adrenaline can feel toxic and like poison. I can actually feel the nerves in my arms, for example, prickling as its released. It’s a bizarre feeling – to feel like you can feel the adrenaline rushing around your body.  Excitement triggers it. Nerves trigger it. God help me if/when the day of my first date comes around.

Raining on my parade

So there’s a nice man who I’ve agreed to a date with. (It all seems very fast. And just like that the excitement was gone. Trying to find a date and time around his work and my need for days of rest inbetween plans…sorting it out just wasn’t fun anymore. I’ve been quite honest with him. You almost have to do the commitment chat before you’ve even met! “Look I know my health might seem full on so I completely understand if you’d rather nothing came of this…”

I think, to date me, would be a huge compromise for many people. There is so much I cannot yet do. Day trips to London. I can’t go for long walks. I can’t go for any kind of walk without payback and pain. Sleepovers…

Many people will think this is a hare-brained scheme. That I’m too poorly to date. That my energy supply rarely allows me to spend time with my friends never mind trying to juggle a new person in my life.

And I’m laying here wondering if they’re right. What on earth am I doing?! If nothing else, I’m testing the water.

I’ll keep you up to date.