Recently I’ve been thinking about my single state, for no reason other than I’ve been single for quite a long time now actually. It’s quite a lonely life. Solitary. M.E. is to blame for more than just a few relationship breakdowns, be it between a husband and wife, parent and child, brother and sister…
Luckily I have always been okay in my own company. I’m actually a big fan of the single life and it suits me and my poorly life very well. “Don’t rely on anyone else for your happiness and self worth…”
Romantic comedies are starting to grate on me though, or any film where the guy gets the girl really. That’s another reason why I stick to children’s films, although even Shrek and Fiona ended up happily ever after… Why, subconsciously or otherwise, is that our life’s goal? Why is society obsessed with the fairy tale ending? We are all so caught up in finding our other half? That implies that until you do, you are incomplete and you aren’t yet whole.
It’s quite hard to meet new people when you are mostly housebound. There’s online dating but I’m not actively looking for a relationship. I couldn’t physically go on a date just yet anyway. (I know you can mould things around the illness, DVD nights I stead of the cinema, etc, but it’s the actual chatting and just being around people that still exhausts me.) My health wouldn’t allow it. I barely see the people I already know never mind trying to see new people/potential boyfriends.
It’s also hard to feel beautiful when you feel so broken and rotten on the inside. People tell you that you’re pretty and you look lovely even when you don’t. It annoys me; that falseness when everyone is branded as incredibly attractive when they aren’t. It’s okay. Just be honest. We can’t all be aesthetically pleasing. We can all be beautiful in other ways.
Past relationships have taught me that I should not settle or mould myself to fit someone else. I will no longer compromise myself like that. This is me. Take it or leave it. Like it or lump it. And if you do like it, you’ll have to take on the sack of potatoes look, oversized jumpers and baggy skirts, the works. Just call me Frump Girl! I’m not well enough to faff around grooming myself and if I do it’s for me and nobody else.
I need a carer more than I need a boyfriend and I wouldn’t be happy with that; I struggle with being so dependent on my family and I’ve known them all my life! It’s not the kind of first impression I’d want to make. I don’t feel it would be fair, especially not straight away. I’d have to be honest about my health and all that comes with it. It’s not like I can hide it. It’s hardly surprising that people might run a mile.
So, anyway, I got to thinking…
Does my illness make me unattractive? Is it too much baggage? I think it is. My life isn’t straight forward and that would automatically make a relationship…not straight forward. Does having a disability cancel out everything else about me? (Because I am a disabled person whether or not we like to admit it.)
Does it write me off?
I’m not even going to go into the topic of marriage and children and parenthood. On the one or two occasions it’s been brought up the response is always along the lines of how young I still am and how I will get better and how I don’t know what the future holds. I hope they’re right but I do have to be more realistic than that. Will I be physically well enough to carry a baby full term never mind care for a child until it reaches adulthood?
In truth being a single spoonie has it’s perks. I rarely have to attack my legs with hair removal cream and the weight gain is proving to be useful as my tummy makes a great place to rest my iPad on when I’m using it. Silver linings eh?!
It can just get a little lonely. A bit of companionship would be nice.