I can’t afford to cry or get upset. If/when I do the emotion completely writes me off. It is beyond my control. A family member was recently in hospital and, although I didn’t cry, the emotion and worry of it all knocked me for six for days.

I have always liked to know the end of films before I watch them. I’m not a massive fan of surprises. This condition has exacerbated my need to avoid surprises. If something makes me jump, the shock can last for ages and affects me physically.
One of my best friends lost a family member last year very suddenly. It broke my heart that I could not make it to the funeral to support her and my friends, all because the emotion had written me off. How dare my brain act so selfishly in my friend’s hour of need?! I was angry that this condition meant I could not even manage to make it in my wheelchair. The emotion had made me too poorly. I think it is the adrenaline that does it. It acts as poison in my veins rendering me useless.

This is what I find the hardest about M.E. It not only affects my life, but it has an impact on the people I love most in this world. It can do what it wants to me, but it is going too far when those around me are affected. It has got to the point where people have to keep me from things so that my health does not deteriorate. I know it isn’t my fault that I can’t cope-my brain is broken-but I wish things were different. I wish I was normal. I used to be quite good in a crisis.

Positive emotion is not as destructive but it works in the same way. I have always been one of those annoying people who gets excited over the smallest thing and about things way too early. I got very, very excited about a new pair of shoes a while ago. (My shoes always split people’s opinion!) Although I was sat down and had merely put the shoes on, the excitement zapped me of energy within a few minutes. Goodness knows what I’ll be like come Christmas Day!!!

Published by Anna Redshaw

Blogging about life in the slow lane with an invisible, chronic illness. I wasn't always a sick chick so this is somewhat of a life changing experience!

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