'M.E. myself and I' by Anna

This week, marked 16 years since my first medical appointment for what was M.E.

If you’ve been here while you’ll know I do this cake and candles thing every year. Milking it? Absolutely. Creating joy where I can? Always. I just really like the ceremony of having a cake with candles in to mark another year. I love seeing others doing something similar too.

At risk of being seen as a toxic positivity pain in the arse, I’d actually like to talk about the things that might not have been had I not become, and stayed, so ill.

There would be no Blue Sunday. There’d surely be something else or even similar started by someone else. But there’d be no Blue Sunday.

I don’t believe I’d have met my husband.

I wouldn’t have had the relationship with my parents that I’ve been fortunate to have.

I wouldn’t have developed the intense sense of gratitude I feel almost every single day.

I wouldn’t have met some of the most important people in my life. We haven’t met in-person yet and we may never get to but that doesn’t make our friendships any less life affirming.

I wouldn’t get to be the Aunty I am. I’d likely have had children of my own and would definitely be working.

I don’t know who I’d have been. I can never know what I’d have gone on to become. But I know I wouldn’t be this version of myself. And she’s someone I am proud to be.

My life is different, and it is hard. There is grief and sadness and anger and despair and so much fear for my future. But my life is what it is. And it’s mine. One that will be plagued by M.E., in whatever form or severity, for the rest of my days. I am not glad that this happened to me, but I understand and accept that it did. I wouldn’t change my life. Despite it all, I wouldn’t swap it.

Wishing for more peace, continued acceptance, and hope that I might remain where I’m at.