Second-guessing ourselves

Hi to anyone else who has been conditioned to feel like an absolute fraud for being well enough to do A Thing.

My mind doesn’t always go ‘there’ anymore, after being able to get out of the house or have visitors, but when it does it’s just so tiresome that my thoughts and worries spoil what was such a lovely, monumental, rare occasion of being able to join in with something.

My perhaps-irrational ‘go to’ recently has been “Will the DWP* take my benefits away because I was clearly able to leave the house for a couple of hours…” which is not a fun thing to have in one’s thoughts.

This aftermath makes lovely things somewhat bittersweet. My own second-guessing of my own reality; “Am I actually as ill as I think I am if I could just do X…”

So hi to anyone else who understands this and has their own internal battle trying to quiet these thoughts. It’s such a shame it happens. We often get these mutterings about the validity of our illnesses from Outsiders who question our lived experience. It’s understandable then, but very disheartening that we then do it to ourselves.

*Department of Work and Pension who handle disability benefits claims.

IMAGE: the lower part of Anna’s body as she sits on her front doorstep. She’s wearing a bright blue jumpsuit. A pink mug is next to hear with the words “I’d like to announce I have no idea what I’m doing” written on it.