Full health isn’t the end goal for me.
The goal for me, the same goal I’ve had for a long time now, is to be content and at peace with the way things are.
What helps me most in striving for contentment is not fighting the feelings that are the complete opposite of being content.
Crying remains one of my most valuable tools; a release of emotion when the anger and frustration become too much. Wishing things were different has always felt futile to me, regardless of the state of my health. Yet it’s only natural that at times I flippantly do so; “I wish I could just do X!” or “I wish I could do Y without consequences!”
Giving myself permission to feel sad about a situation that is sad shouldn’t be revolutionary. Yet it is in a society where toxic positivity is paramount.
We’re all going to grieve the bodies we once had, the lives we thought we’d have, the careers we had to step away from, the friends we’ve lost, the families we didn’t get to have.
But Acceptance is a part of The Grief Cycle too. And when that Grief ‘wheel’ spins and stops there, that’s my favourite place. The goal is that each time the wheel spins, it lands on Acceptance more frequently and for longer periods each time.
IMAGE: A selfie of Anna on a Bed Day. She has a sloth eye mask on her forehead and her head is against a green pillow. She’s smiling weakly as the camera because smiling requires the energy to move your facial muscles 🙃
M.E. myself and I 