Acceptance is not absolute

Denial can be a dangerous thing.

And at this point, eleven years in, you could say it’s disrespectful to my body.

But acceptance is not absolute; it comes and goes. It fluctuates.

Denial runs close to the surface and still, after all these years, it can interrupt the status quo of accepting as much of this life that I possibly can.

I get frustrated that I am not independent; that I cannot be independent. I am 32! But as I’m gently reminded, I’m also very unwell. It’s not that I forget that as such, just…I don’t want it to be this way.

I can convince myself with absolute certainty that I can do X Y and even Z, and that I can do it by myself. Even on the rare occasions I can do things for myself, there is always a price to pay. And that price is so big that it stops me being able to even coordinate myself enough to take a sip of water.

I’m not wrong to dare to think that I might manage something. But it’s not what’s best for me most of the time. Most of the time it’s best to admit and acknowledge that it’s okay to need help, and to ask for help, and to accept help. It’s okay to be vulnerable and lean on those willing to help.

There is still a nasty voice in my head that tries to convince me that I’m pathetic for not being independent. It is so convincing that it somehow persuades me that I’m not actually as sick as I am; that at 32 years old I should not need to have a list of emergency contacts for when my husband is away.

And that nasty voice can be dangerous. It can stop me from asking for help when I really need it. It convinces me that I shouldn’t need the help, being an adult. It convinces me I should be better by now and able to cope independently.

It shames me into making me feel like a burden. Makes me feel guilty. Makes me question whether I am really THAT unwell.

Don’t do what I did a couple of weeks ago pals. Don’t stop yourself asking for help if it’s available just to save face. Or simply because you don’t want to admit you need the help.

Those around us can’t do much, but they can help in practical ways sometimes. It’s a kindness of sorts to allow them to help us when we really need it.

Noteworthy – ask for help from the people YOU feel safest with, not the people who so clearly get high off being needed by you. It’s not your fault if you don’t feel comfortable with certain people helping you. The stress of being in the presence of someone who isn’t calm and who doesn’t know my needs is actually detrimental to my health.