I have to accept a certain level of responsibility when it comes to my M.E.
And I don’t always like that: I don’t always want to accept that.
The vast majority of the time, my suffering is not my fault. It’s out of my hands. M.E. is cruel and I am unwell every single day.
But ten years in, with even the basic understanding that exertion and activity can/will cause an exacerbation of symptoms, I must accept that sometimes (not often, but sometimes!) I do have to bear some of the responsibility for some of the suffering.
For example, on a Good Day if I don’t quit while I’m ahead (and I don’t always because I am a human being who is often desperate to live a little!) then the next couple of days after that Good Day will be far from pleasant.
If I go so wild as to brush my teeth AND have a 15 minute video call on the same day, I’m asking for trouble truth be told! And I know that. And because I know that, I must accept responsibility when the suffering comes.
I ended up really ill the other day. The day before I’d done far too much (typing that is such a struggle because I don’t want to admit to it!) But I really overdid it. It’s not hard to do at the moment but still.
I did far, far less than the average person, and far less than was my normal pre-relapse, but for me it was borderline ridiculous. The next day I tried to convince both myself and my husband that I was coming down with a bug. I wasn’t, it was Post Exertional Malaise. But the denial was strong! I refused to take responsibility to my actions.
I don’t think anyone would blame me for wanting to live a little, but to do it repeatedly, time after time after time, and then moan, wallow and wonder why….that would be on me.
Whether I like it or not, I cannot live that way. To constantly live in Boom and Bust, when I have the choice not to? To be in complete denial about my limitations and restrictions? That’s on me.
There is little quality of life to found there.
I am speaking of my own personal experience. For the duration of my M.E. I have had the privilege of being able to practice Pacing. But every once in while I will throw a mini-tantrum and just refuse to Pace. Because I don’t want to! Because why should I have to! Because it’s so totally unfair that I can’t do what I want when I want!
But life is unfair. Life with M.E. is even more so. Kicking against it doesn’t make it any less so.
Like all things, acceptance comes and goes. I am still adjusting the my new normal after the relapse.
I don’t have to like my physical limits, but I do have to work on being in complete denial of them.