In life there must be times when people think “I really don’t want to be a lawyer [or whatever] anymore.” They really fancy a change. A career change or maybe a new job in the same field.
Well, I fancy a change. I have decided, after (not) much deliberation that I do not want to be an M.E. sufferer anymore.
It’s just never-ending.
For the past 1030 days I have woken up poorly. Someone was moaning to me recently about how ill they felt being full of cold for a few days. I’m sure it was horrendous but I found it hard to sympathise. I couldn’t imagine that not being the norm. To them it was such a foreign feeling and they moped around. I don’t mean to imply that my illness is worse than theirs. I’m not like that. Everyone has their cross to bear. But what I mean is that while I made the right sympathetic noises and wished them a speedy recovery and listened to how awful their last couple of days had been while they sat at work full of cold, I didn’t FEEL the things I was saying. I can no longer relate to it. That’s sad isn’t it? That I can’t remember what healthiness feels like so I can’t imagine how awful it must be to lose it for a few days…
Life with this wretched illness is like running on a treadmill that’s going too fast and you just can’t keep up….with anything! It just needs to stop. I’ve learnt that no matter how ‘well’ I might be doing it is always only a matter of time before things come crashing down again. Call me pessimistic if you like (you’d be wrong) but that’s the nature of my illness and the pattern that my illness follows. By now you will know that, day-to-day I really am Little Miss Sensible. I’m already doing everything in my power to recover but being an M.E. sufferer is a full-time and long-term commitment; a commitment I didn’t sign up for.
What kind of life is it, for your whole day to centre around whether or not you’ll manage to have a shower. And then when/if you do manage it you suffer from the exertion of such a straightforward every day task. And remember I’m one of the ‘lucky’ ones. I hate to say it (because there are people in much worse positions than mine and there is no ideal illness is there?!) but I actually wish I had something treatable. Anything. We just get such a raw deal from the symptoms, the medical professionals, the media, society…
So would anyone like to swap?