Tears

This feels a bit silly.

I wrote it a while ago during a sad few minutes but didn’t share it with you. These were just the things that popped into my head at that time. I don’t think the list quite portrays how much I missed those things at that very moment. I’m not sure why I’m posting it now but perhaps gives an insight into all areas of life with a chronic illness…

  • I miss the freedom of a healthier life. 
  • I miss doing things for other people. 
  • I miss my work. 
  • I miss having the opportunity to go to the gym and to be athletic. 
  • I miss wearing trainers and sports gear and being healthy and spritely. 
  • I miss dancing even if nobody else was on the dance floor. 
  • I miss running for the train. 
  • I miss nipping to the supermarket. 
  • I miss impromptu nights out or days with friends that turn into nights of laughing and dancing. 
  • I miss staying up late to watch something on television.
  • I miss jogging with music blasting in my ears. 
  • I miss being able to pull my weight. 
  • I miss being Anna. 
  • I miss the time when people didn’t have to adapt and tread on egg shells and bend over backwards for me
  • I miss unloading the dishwasher. 
  • I miss fending for myself. 
  • I miss being able to do things spur of the moment or last minute.
  • I miss my life. 
  • I miss my role.
  • I miss driving to see my friends. 
  • I miss having the freedom to stay out all day. 
  • I miss making plans. 
  • I miss being able to take things for granted.
  • I miss being able to keep plans and not having to worry whether I’ll have to cancel them.
  • I miss being more than an illness. 
  • I miss that Friday feeling.
  • I miss running up the stairs or taking the stairs two at a time.
  • I miss having days that are more than managing to get out of bed. 
  • I miss being able to walk into town. 
  • I miss being able to do more than one thing a day, a week, a month. 
  • I miss wearing clothes that aren’t super-baggy just because I have to go for comfort. 
  • I miss being able to multitask.
  • I miss being able. Full stop.

2 thoughts on “Tears

  1. This is not silly- this is beautiful. I do this sometimes as well. I think one of the things we must do is grieve in our own ways. I love that you were brave enough to share.

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  2. I probably shouldn't be reading this at 4am when I'm sleep deprived (and let's face it – a bit 'emosh'), but I've been browsing through blogs to pass the old insomnia hours and don't think this is silly at all. I think we often put on a brave face and maintain a 'stiff upper lip', but the reality is that we lose a lot to this illness and there isn't anything wrong with expressing sadness at the loss of those things. Sometimes I struggle to think of anything good – I guess the only positives that have come from being so unwell have been patience, understanding, empathy and the best spoonie friends ever 😉

    Meg | meg-says.com

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