I am so grateful to have come this far. I measure my progress on the simple fact of being able to navigate the stairs up to my bedroom and no longer having to reside in our dining room.
But what is it I have to be grateful for? Grateful that I feel so poorly 24/7 but that sometimes, SOMETIMES, the awfulness eases for a couple of hours so I am able to socialise or have a shower or read a bit of my book or watch a bit of tele. Two hours of normality and I’m as drunk as a skunk. That’s how I feel anyway. I, of course, have nothing alcoholic to drink. I’m lucky that I had those two hours. Many of my friends don’t have that luxury.
What am I supposed to do? Listen to my body or gradually push it? I’m told to do both. Well how does that work??? I’m trying to find a hobby to give myself a sense of achievement and to give myself something to do and aim for, but is it worth the suffering afterwards; for my week to be wiped out because of baking one small loaf of bread?
Take today. We are visiting family this afternoon. Do I go along? Or, because the last couple of days haven’t been the best, do I stay at home? I try to weigh up which is the lesser of two evils but isn’t that an awful way to think about spending time with one’s family? Do I tackle the journey or tackle being at home alone for a few hours? The answer is most certainly “Get off your laptop for a start!” Haha!
I have to count my blessings though, because what is life if you don’t? I have no choice but to keep going. To stop will only prolong my recovery and that is the last thing any of us want. I live in hope but at the same time I am realistic about my life, my illness and my future.
Life with M.E is all about balance. Balance. Balance. Balance. Finding that balance is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.