It is days like today (and the last couple of days) where I make my greatest achievements of all time. I survive, despite the attempts of my illness to break my spirit and conquer my soul.
Long story short, I feel awful…it’s the whole poison running through my veins feeling that I dislike the most…but I shall persevere. Today might be a write off but I shall regroup. Tomorrow is another day. I just have to go with it and roll, as best I can, with the punches. Sometimes on days such as this there are tears of frustration and despair and sadness. But that’s okay. That’s perfectly natural and normal. Most of the time I see grumbling as a waste of energy but one has to get it out of one’s system every now and then.
I can’t seem to cope well with any kind of emotional overload, be it positive or negative, and we had some news the other day that has knocked the wind out of my sails, on top of the usual M.E loveliness. I imagine I got overexcited and ahead of myself after Christmas too. Perhaps I tried to crack on with getting back to ‘normal’ too soon. Sometimes I ‘forget’ just how poorly I really am and paint a brighter picture for myself. How I can forget I don’t know. Maybe I’ve just got used to it. I know I walked way too far last week though. Silly, silly Anna.
One step forward, ten steps back hey…
The nausea is awful. I haven’t eaten properly for a few days because of it. It’s a catch 22; if I don’t eat I will inevitably be weaker but I don’t feel up to eating.The pain is zapping me of what little energy I do have. The insomnia and tremors have returned. My attempts at conversation are leaving much to be desired. I’m not strong enough to have a shower. (It’s probably for the best that I lead a mostly solitary life!) I can’t manage to be on my laptop or online as much as I’d like to. Music is too much. I can manage a bit of tele here and there but mostly I am just having to sit and just ‘be’.
My body and brain and just rather out-of-sorts. I don’t want to just ‘be’ but what else can I do. It has taken an age just to write this post because I can’t cope with using my laptop for very long. I am 24 years old and I feel like my life resembles that of a toddler…although they have more fun and do more than I can I’m sure!
Feeling a bit sorry for myself…more staring at the same four walls for me this morning.