2019 Anna would not believe that the pain of The Baby Thing would lessen to the point it has.
7 years of counselling (on and off, and diving into other topics too). And then a hysterectomy that was absolutely not on the cards back then.
The joy these little ones bring me is incredible. Even as babies, it wasn’t them themselves that hurt my heart.
The apparent (unofficial) ‘Motherland Club’ is still tricky for me to witness. I feel othered by many things in life because my health has put me on such a different track to the one I thought I’d be on. Being on the sidelines of parenting can still be sore and uncomfortable. But my goodness have I come a long way in these past few years.
The thought of this little boys arrival made me feel so bleak to the point that I was very unwell mentally.
It was my sister being pregnant with this little legend that led me to seek help for my mental health surrounding ‘The Baby Thing.’
It was the thought of him coming into existence that led me to seek help. I will always be grateful to my past self for her seeking help before the event.
It’s complex. Very complex. But I can love him and still be sad I won’t be giving him any cousins. All at the same time.
The hysterectomy, surprisingly, took me to a new level of peace in terms of being childless. The grief pattern is changing. The joy for others close to me has become heightened. The relief that my pain is lessening is immense.
All of my nephews are equal to me, but the arrival of the eldest, this one, started me on a ‘journey’ of grief and acceptance that I’m truly grateful for.
