'M.E. myself and I' by Anna

When I say I am living the dreams of my 22 year old self, this is what I mean!

I can read. Not all the time, but I can. And so I decided to risk jinxing this wonderful development, and I joined my local library last Summer. Reading and cognitive issues remain a battle and a challenge. So this is a big deal my friends! (I cannot access audiobooks before anyone suggests it.)

I liked the idea of having a reason to leave the house that didn’t necessarily rely on anyone else. So this is my monthly adventure! Not every month, but most months. I take just one book out at a time, and have three weeks to read it. I tried taking out more than one book at a time, but my nervous system misinterpreted the three week deadline as some kind of homework.

Sometimes my husband takes my books back for me if I can’t manage it before they’re due back. I can renew some of them online which helps a lot.

Ultimately, it’s something to do! Something that isn’t a medical appointment, or admin of some kind. And something that, on and off, is actually achievable. Don’t underestimate how much a sense of achievement can lift the spirits.

I scoot in to town and park right outside. I often reserve books ahead of time to save the energy it takes to stand and browse. But sometimes that browsing is lovely and I can manage those few minutes upright.

I am a part of the world that little bit more now, because I am a member of something mainstream. The library! I see other people when I visit the library and human interaction can never be overstated. I am always so buoyed up from a simple “hello” from someone. If I were to get quite deep about it, it is momentous to be seen. Physically seen. I sometimes feel that to be seen is to truly exist, and so many people with chronic illness will know what I mean by that.

There will always be a part of me thinks I shouldn’t dare to do anything. This illness, inparticular, is devastatingly cruel. It can lure you in to thinking your health is somewhat stable. Below par compared to people without this illness, but stable for the individual experiencing it.

As luck would often have it, when I have done something lovely and am in dire need of intense recovery, something Bad happens. Sick guinea pigs, emergency surgery for a loved one, that attempted burglary that time, a leaking roof… it’s just life isn’t it but it again reinforces that my body is, if not allergic to life, certainly intolerant of it. And I can feel quite lost with that.

But I am daring to do, as I have spoken about before. And the library feels like more of a long term, ongoing attempt at Doing. My life is so small. But reserving a library book and then having 10 days to try to collect it myself (or send my husband if 10 days isn’t a large enough window that particular month), is giving me something to do beyond simply endure illness. And I’m really loving that.