CW: childlessness, mental health
I have seen a private counsellor, on and off, since early 2019. Until then, I would honestly say I coped magnificently with having to live life in the restricted way I do. I let myself feel my feelings, but always somehow came back to gratitude and contentment.
That changed in late 2018, when a family member got pregnant, and I was faced with the harsh reality of my own childless future. I’d known for years beforehand that I wouldn’t have children. But being truly confronted with it…
I continue to make peace with my childlessness, and find that now it is other aspects of living with chronic illness that keep me in therapy. The grief. The trauma. The neglect. The anger. The stigma.
This year I’ve been having them once or twice a month since April. I now have so many tools, specific to me, to help guide me through.
But surgical menopause has unsettled things quite a bit. You’ll have heard of hot flashes with menopause, but for me it is the disturbance to my mental well-being that has been the most problematic and prominent. Having had Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (for the last few years of having a uterus and ovaries), I have had my struggles. This isn’t as acute as that. But there’s a near-constant, background dullness and numbness that I’m not enjoying at all.
It can take quite awhile to get the balance of HRT (which I am to take until I am at least 51) right for each person. I’m not there yet, but I’m only six months post-op so that’s unsurprising. Back to the GP I go in the hope I can feel more like me again sooner rather than later.
'M.E. myself and I' by Anna Redshaw 