'M.E. myself and I' by Anna Redshaw

On the Anna Scale, I’m doing ‘well’ at the moment.

We think I might actually be back to my pre-2020-relapse baseline. As an act of self care I’m not going to get in to what this level of ‘well’ looks like for me right now.

Having a couple of people point out how ‘well’ I seem to be doing recently has thrown me a bit. I am delighted, ecstatic and all the good feelings not to be where I was in September 2020.

But it’s far too complex a thing to have only positive feelings about.

I am nervous and unsettled. And when people tell me how glad they are to see me like this, a little voice wants to scream “but please don’t think I’m not still suffering!”

I don’t really know how to be this ‘well’. Last time it was short lived and, like a frustrating game of snakes and ladders, the roll of the dice saw me slide right back down to that terrifying first row near the start of the game. That relapse has rocked me; a cruel reminder of how little control I really have.

And although I know they celebrate my wins, I am reluctant to share my highlights with my friends who haven’t had the same good fortune I’ve had. I’m also reluctant to share my wins with those who may misinterpret them as me no longer suffering. With a benefits renewal pending, the imposter syndrome is raging once again. On paper, hardly anything has actually changed. But on the Anna Scale I feel I’ve taken huge leaps forward.

I’m resisting the urge to disclaimer everything I share with people. “I was only out for an hour…” “I had to go to bed straight after…” “My legs gave way right after the photo was taken…” Not resisting the urge enough apparently!

I’m tired of this. Tired of not having the luxury of living a more carefree life.

But you know what, I’m going to just take each day as it comes. Savouring this for however long or short it lasts. Ever hopeful, but ever realistic. Pacing, always (because I have the good fortune of having that luxury). Listening to my body, but allowing myself those Push My Luck days of my mental health needs them.

IMAGE: Anna on her front step. Her face is out of shot. She’s wearing a teal skirt and white vest top. A mug of coffee is next to her.