Something the pandemic has heightened, is my awareness of how different my life is from other peoples. And it hasn’t been a pleasant thing to be more aware of.
What helps, sadly, is to distance myself and make my own little world even smaller. Luckily I am more content in a tiny world where I’m not constantly reminded of what I’ve lost and what could have been. So I’m not just shielding myself physically from The Virus, but also in an attempt to find more peace with my situation.
It’s hurting people to do so, but it’s hurting me more not to. I see now that in some situations and relationships, I have been a life-long people-pleaser; a chameleon trying to shove myself into a different form to fit in.
I don’t have much in common with many people anymore. I don’t necessarily feel sad about that, unless I’m directly exposed to their lives. I remember crying at one gathering, many years ago, where everyone was discussing what they’d been up to since we’d last seen each other. I had nothing to contribute that wouldn’t bring feelings of pity and sadness and discomfort.
“I sat on the front step for 4 minutes.”
“Awww Ann.”
Counselling has made me evaluate whether I ever felt like I fitted in; whether people ever really knew me at all. And if they didn’t, it was because I never showed them who I truly was. For reasons I’m still deciphering.
With such a finite amount of energy/’wellness’ I guess I’m just learning that it’s okay to be the one who decides where to spend it.
This is a really weird life and it is changing me; it has changed me. But change is normal and change is guaranteed in any life.
It’s weird to feel like your life is stagnant and on pause whilst knowing that that very experience is bringing about such immense internal change.
IMAGE: A selfie of Anna sitting on a bed. Her face is in darkness as the camera picks up the view out of the bedroom window.
'M.E. myself and I' by Anna Redshaw 