Ive been thinking a lot about who I am outside of M.E and the advocacy that having M.E has led me to.
There’s been such a lot going on in my head. But the over-riding feeling is that I am tired of this life, with M.E.; of having to live with M.E.
The constant analysis of every little thing. Having to weigh everything up. The freedom others have to forget about the accommodations I need, the careless way they can ‘afford’, or think they can afford, to navigate a pandemic…it takes its toll.
So my ‘homework’ has been to rediscover who Anna is; aside from M.E. and the constant analysis, and the advocacy.
That’s been hard, because I truly feel M.E. impacts my personality (it dilutes it), my tastes, my likes and dislikes, my hobbies, interests, etc, but I have been trying to rediscover myself anyway. So much of who I see myself as, has been swallowed by M.E. and all that comes with it.
Trying to separate myself from my awareness raising stuff has been a good thing really; to be more than just Blue Sunday or blogging. Particularly with Blue Sunday, there are times when I have felt more of a service than a (poorly) person to some people.
But then I started to hear from people who want to share their plans for Blue Sunday 2024 and it has flipped this whole thing on its head.
It’s a very good thing to be the Anna who created Blue Sunday. To have had a tiny ‘snowball’ of an idea, that continues to gather pace and be the catalyst for other people’s own ideas.
Because of the simple nature of a virtual event, people have been shown that they are absolutely allowed and encouraged to mould things like fundraising events around their own needs. The pandemic wasn’t what started that off for us; we’d been doing it for years and years.
The next time I feel lost within my own identity I’m going to remind myself that it’s totally okay to be Anna with M.E.* because it’s Anna with M.E. who facilitated the raising of over £100,000, and even more importantly included many isolated and forgotten about people along the way.
It’s okay to be this version of Anna.
*I know I am more than this version, but I had been viewing this version in a negative light, when maybe it isn’t.
'M.E. myself and I' by Anna Redshaw 