'M.E. myself and I' by Anna Redshaw

I notice I can feel a little lost when those around me go back to work or school after time off for Christmas or holidays.

I felt it most after the lockdowns ended. For the first time in a decade I’d been on the same page as everybody else; at home and unable to leave home, except under specific circumstances. That’s what I’d had for ten years! And it was just so strangely comforting to suddenly have everyone else living like I did.

So I’m finding my feet yet again after the Christmas holidays. (I feel “finding my feet” is something I could say every single day. Because while my days might look monotonous, the emotional and mental impact of that monotony varies with no warning or clear ‘trigger’.)

I’m watching people walk past on their way to school and college. Parents rushing by, likely heading to work after the school drop off. Buses taking people where they need to go. My husband’s days have gone back to being spent here, there and everywhere; up trees or in the office or out booking in more work with more clients.

And what of my days? What do they look like now? Now that my family are back to their routines after enjoying a couple of weeks off without a schedule.

My days return to trying to savour the silver linings and being grateful beyond belief for the place I’m in now. All while simultaneously feeling something close to depression over the fact that, if I wish to be at all happy in this life, I’m supposed to be appreciative for the breadcrumbs of good fortune I’ve been afforded.

Alas, I have set myself a goal of getting out for a scoot sometime this month. Or maybe into the garden, to search for signs of Spring. Because my days have that potential. And even if that becomes out of reach, I can guarantee one of my online friends will share their own sights of Spring, or the things that have made something of their days. And that’s how we get through, isn’t it? Together, from afar.