'M.E. myself and I' by Anna Redshaw

I’ve been thinking a lot about progress; about how we’re conditioned to always be seen to be moving forward.

That’s not the most helpful thing to strive for with M.E. Many of us will, in fact, find our level of function reduces as time passes. Setbacks come thick and fast, and with them can come a feeling of failure. That’s the opposite of progress.

One can also stagnate or ‘tread water’ with this illness. I call it The M.E. Plateau, where neither progress or decline is visible. Despite my initial reaction being one of frustration at things not moving in the direction I want them to, I’m starting to realise, almost 13 years in, how wonderful that M.E. Plateau actually is. To not be moving forward and seeing an increase in function, but also not to be seeing a decline either. Like the monotony of treading water, it’s surely better than drowning…

It’s ingrained in us, or at least in me, that we must always be moving forward. We must always be making progress. The end goal being a return to full health, despite knowing that that will not happen for most of us.

I can’t quite fully neglect that ideal; that I must always be moving forward towards recovering. So I am trying to redefine it a little bit, telling myself that progress doesn’t need to be physical. In fact, making progress with things like acceptance is far more fruitful I think.

The Grief Cycle remains a constant companion. I must allow myself to experience it all. It is human nature to grieve, to deny, but then to make some kind of peace. I want progress to continue to be that the moments of grief remain shorter and smaller than the periods of time where acceptance overrules denial.

So I might not be spending more time out of bed. I might not be showering every day. I might not be able to have visitors anymore than I already was, despite months of patience and hoping my body’s capacity would increase.

But I hope I continue to grow more accepting of those facts. That’s the kind of progress that is surely more attainable for me.