'M.E. myself and I' by Anna Redshaw

Blue Sunday 2023 took it out of me more than I imagined it would. Not physically, but emotionally.

I was shellshocked by its success, exhausted with relief at matching last years astronomical £30K, and worn out by the pressure I had subconsciously placed on myself to reach the £100,000 in 10 years target.

I had wanted, so badly, for people to feel a part of something; included. And some people didn’t. Some were even angered to see social media flooded with “silly” posts about having a cup of tea in bed to mark the occasion.

I let the comments of a minority spoil the response Blue Sunday gets, every year, by the majority.

I felt disappointed in myself that some people hadn’t grasped that they didn’t need to have an all-singing, all-dancing Tea Party For M.E. What they needed was an internet connection and the ability to log onto social media to see everyone’s posts, even for a just a minute. But of course, some felt that they wanted more for themselves than that. And that was a strange thing to me, seeing as Blue Sunday had its origins in me spending my birthday in that exact way; seeing photos from friends pop up with a cup of tea to toast me in late 2012.

I felt frustrated that the loudest critics were those who hadn’t read any of the posts, articles, or newsletters I had poured my precious cognitive function into. I questioned whether my website needed to be clearer. Whether I’d done enough to get into the charity newsletters. Whether I’d been online enough beforehand. All things that I have undoubtedly done my best on (which means stopping before I crash and refusing to ‘push through’).

The few who deemed the amount raised as “not enough” held court in my head for far longer than they should have.

I too, am sick of the stagnant situation we find ourselves in. But I was reminded that not everyone has the privilege of being able to seek out joy and slivers of happiness. I felt I’d let them down in assuming they would/could. Life with M.E. is such a sorry state of affairs that is it any wonder so many are past the point of hope.

Still, their jadedness infected and killed my euphoria. I have never been particularly thick-skinned, and when your life centres around something in the way mine centres around Blue Sunday, criticisms hit hard.

There was also a self-imposed element of ” Think what I could achieve if I wasn’t limited by illhealth” and that just wasn’t helpful. What I have done, while sick, is astounding. It doesn’t need comparing.

I don’t believe there will *ever* be something that caters to and includes every single person with M.E. The spectrum is so wide and varied. But Blue Sunday comes close. Some people with Very Severe M.E. did join us all, and have done every year. I will treasure that they did; that they were able to seek some ‘light relief’ in amongst the living hell.

Aside from anything and everything else, I’m just a patient of almost 13 years who wanted something I could join in with, on whatever kind of sick day I was having. Nothing more, nothing less. I achieved that. My 23 year old self achieved that.