No quick fix

The things I am feeling low about are not things that can be easily fixed.

For example, feeling sad that I haven’t had a shower, cannot be fixed by having a shower, because I am too unwell for showers.

Okay, so I must compromise? Baths are currently easier than showers (no idea why or how they’re suddenly more accessible to me after a decade…) But I can only have a bath once a week if I’m lucky and don’t do anything else remotely physical. They are an ‘ordeal’, and the joy of being clean only just outweighs the exacerbation of symptoms.

So compromise more…? Flannel washes and wet wipes? A good idea. But most days even they are beyond my reach. Most days I cannot wash my face at all, never mind other parts of my body.

I need things to be better than they are. But they aren’t and they can’t be. Not in this moment.

So what can I do?

I talk about it a bit. I cry about it a lot. I pile soft blankets on top of me. I hold his hand. I watch the birds out of the window. I savour every sip of coffee. I focus on my breathing. I watch Disney films when I can. I come online to see you all.

The dark and bleak bits have to be acknowledged for me to adapt to them.