I can, but should I…

“Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Just because you can doesn’t mean you have to.”

By my standards, I had such a productive day yesterday. And the internalised ableism that still rages inside me declared it A Very Good Day because of that. At one point, when I managed to do something Hard, I cried happy tears. Classic me I know but this relapse has really thrown me.

It’s hard not to want to keep that momentum going today. It felt so good to achieve what I achieved yesterday and so I want more of that feeling please.

But today needs to be a different kind of productive. I’m not allowing myself to read the emails that need reading. I’m not allowing myself to reply to my Social Worker (poor woman never gets a response in good time god bless her.) I’m not allowing myself to even think about the things I could try really hard to do to help Mr Tree Surgeon out around the house.

Because of how ‘busy’ yesterday was, I need to quit while I’m ahead, even though the bit of adrenaline from yesterday (and my desire to get that happiness hit again) is very much there.

I don’t need absolute rest; just to be mindful of all the energy and cognitive function I used yesterday. It may well come back to bite me you see – I’m still finding my feet with a new lower baseline.

In short, I likely COULD manage to do something like reply to my Social Worker’s email today. But just because I can doesn’t mean I should.

And I actually don’t feel too put out or frustrated by this today, because I’m actively reminding myself that I am not very well. I do not have to be productive in the conventional sense to reach a sense of achievement. Being able to stop and rest is an incredible achievement for someone with a chronic illness who lives in a society that constantly tells you that that’s Bad.

Thanks for listening to the inner ramblings of my mind this morning!

Published by Anna Redshaw

Blogging about life in the slow lane with an invisible, chronic illness. I wasn't always a sick chick so this is somewhat of a life changing experience!

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