By my standards, I had such a productive day yesterday. And the internalised ableism that still rages inside me declared it A Very Good Day because of that. At one point, when I managed to do something Hard, I cried happy tears. Classic me I know but this relapse has really thrown me.
It’s hard not to want to keep that momentum going today. It felt so good to achieve what I achieved yesterday and so I want more of that feeling please.
But today needs to be a different kind of productive. I’m not allowing myself to read the emails that need reading. I’m not allowing myself to reply to my Social Worker (poor woman never gets a response in good time god bless her.) I’m not allowing myself to even think about the things I could try really hard to do to help Mr Tree Surgeon out around the house.
Because of how ‘busy’ yesterday was, I need to quit while I’m ahead, even though the bit of adrenaline from yesterday (and my desire to get that happiness hit again) is very much there.
I don’t need absolute rest; just to be mindful of all the energy and cognitive function I used yesterday. It may well come back to bite me you see – I’m still finding my feet with a new lower baseline.
In short, I likely COULD manage to do something like reply to my Social Worker’s email today. But just because I can doesn’t mean I should.
And I actually don’t feel too put out or frustrated by this today, because I’m actively reminding myself that I am not very well. I do not have to be productive in the conventional sense to reach a sense of achievement. Being able to stop and rest is an incredible achievement for someone with a chronic illness who lives in a society that constantly tells you that that’s Bad.
Thanks for listening to the inner ramblings of my mind this morning!