Giving positivity the day off

Today is ‘good day’ because I’m well enough to get dressed. How boring has my life become?! And when I say dressed I mean I’ve swapped my pyjamas for a pair of leggings and a long baggy top. There’s been no make up applied or hair styled. That’s too ambitious. There’s no jewellery beyond a pair of Christmas tree stud earrings that I’ve put in to try to lift my spirits. As always I’ve got jazzy socks on to try to do the same. 

Being mostly housebound is pants. And if that wasn’t bad enough I can’t even have visitors often because with M.E. that’s ‘too much’ too. Playing host is exhausting. My siblings are off out living their lives and I don’t think they should have to sacrifice their plans just to keep me company, especially when communication is often beyond me anyway. 

This will be my fourth poorly Christmas. There will be no nights out. No work Christmas do. No New Years Eve parties. I won’t be able to join in with family games. 

This is not the life I’d have chosen for myself. I am 25 years old and instead of enjoying my twenties I am merely trying to survive them. I have not made use of my degree. I have not got a career. I have not moved out of home. 

And none of this was my choice. All of it is a result of chronic illness. This is not the person I am or want to be; this poorly young woman. I’m looking through old photos today and the blonde haired little girl with long dark eyelashes has grown up to be THIS. This young woman with a broken body, and as a result a broken heart. 

I watch the same films over and over because my heart can’t cope with surprises. I eat the same foods because my stomach has become even fussier than it was before. The most exotic drink I can manage is orange squash. 

Yes there are silver linings. Yes there are positives. Yes there are good things. Yes I’m better than I was. But just for today I chose not to see them. Let me have my Pity Party today. I think it’s the least I deserve. 

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