There were a few days recently when I went through a bit of an internal battle. I was on the verge of throwing all of my toys out of the pram, as they say. It was all feeling very unfair. And it is unfair isn’t it?
I wanted so badly to be at Summer Camp. There were no tears, just a feeling of almost desperation.
I’m meant to accept and be happy with the silver linings.
One evening my parents and siblings were discussing the logistics of the next week’s Camp. Like looking through sportswear catalogues, listening to Summer Camp chatter is becoming a form of torture. It hit me that the only decision I faced was which DVD to watch in bed that night. What had happened to my life? What had happened to Anna Jones, the Duty Manager?
It had been yet another day of sitting, albeit in the garden with my feet in my newly purchased paddling pool (one is never too old) but it was still just sitting. No reading. No music. No television. Just a few minutes on my iPad every hour or two. Fun. Fun. Fun.
I was frustrated that I can’t even have visitors or friends come round to sit with me because that, too, is exhausting. M.E. has forced me into isolation and reclusiveness because I am too poorly not to be alone. (But then I am too poorly to be alone because I need babysitting. Grrrr at you Myalgic encephalomyelitis!!!)
Alas I have just elected myself to the position of Head of Quality Control of the Tuck Shop. It is of vital importance that the sweets are checked before being sold. Well I think so anyway!!! I also handed a pen to my sister while she was working her way through some paperwork. Ever-Helpful Anna, that’s me! So my role has changed somewhat…but things do change; life is full of constant change whether we like it or not.
I’m not sorry for moaning. Sometimes you need a good moan. We all do. Poorly or not.
I believe the down days are important. It would be unnatural to remain chirpy and upbeat all of time, especially given the circumstances. I don’t fight my feelings. I let them be. There’s nothing wrong with feeling a little bit miffed with my lot every once in a while. My mum is wonderful at keeping me in check though. She sometimes jokingly allows me an afternoon to wallow in self pity and then I am to pick myself back up, dust myself off and “just keep swimming.”