This week I have been feeling a little disheartened by life despite it actually being an okay week, or a very good week really considering I managed two outings!
When I was younger and I looked to the future I never, for even a second, imagined that my life would be like this. We are fed fairy tales and the truth is that life is so much harsher than those romantic stories.
I feel like my emotions yoyo up and down with regards to my illness. I feel a bit lost. There were tears of frustration this week because I can’t be the person I so badly want to be; the person I really am inside. A close relative has been ill in hospital recently and I haven’t been able to be there for my family or step-up like I so badly want to. My health won’t allow me to and that is incredibly hard to stomach at such times. It is proof though that this illness is not a case of mind over matter.
I am frustrated at only being able to manage a few hours in the real world and having to suffer so much afterwards. I am then frustrated with myself for not being grateful for those hours of freedom when my friends aren’t able to have them at all and, at one time, neither was I.
I know that it is okay to feel like this. It is natural, and all things considered, it is expected. But it isn’t really ‘me’ to be feeling low and flat. I can’t see the silver lining at the moment, but I hope to rediscover it very soon.