I hate that I have to be selfish and only think of myself in order to survive. I am not well enough to change my bed, wash and iron my clothes, Hoover my room, do my own food shopping, cook my own meals…I contribute nothing to the running of the house.
Although nobody makes me feel this way, I feel like a burden and there’s nothing I can do to unburden my family. But today I managed to do something for them; something that might sound so mundane and ‘everyday’ but for me, it isn’t. I put the shopping away!
You see, the food delivery order arrived early and there was no one home to receive it but me. A year ago the sight of the delivery van and the realisation that I’d have to sign for the delivery, never mind carry the bags down the hall one by one would have probably left me hiding behind the door pretending there was nobody in. I wouldn’t have even been able to put the frozen items into the freezer after all that bag carrying and opening the door, and chatting to the delivery man. But twelve months on I was able to quickly dispel the initial panic, take some deep breaths and accept the food order. By myself! I felt brave enough to ask the man if he’d mind carrying it all through to the kitchen for me, which is a huge achievement in itself; to give in and ask for help and share with a stranger that I am not well enough to do it by myself. I chatted about the snow (we have snow here today by the way-we Brits really are obsessed with the weather) and then I walked the delivery man out. After a quick blast of purple time I slowly put all of the shopping away, sitting on the floor to do some of it. It felt wonderful to be doing something, however ‘small’, for my parents, instead of having to leave it for when they got home.
That was at 12pm. I was still in my pjs. After some more purple time I had a shower and got changed (reaching two of my baseline targets) and then I went into the garden in my wellies for a little wander in the snow. I even made a teeny snowman! (The walking was instead of doing my daily drive, because of the snow.) I’ve also been popping online throughout to day to ‘see’ my friends.
It is now just after 6pm and I have crashed; hit by a wave of heat, malaise and general awfulness. I’ve come upstairs to rest away from the noise of the TV and the clatter of dinner plates going into the dishwasher.
But I am getting back on track after the busyness of the Christmas holidays and have managed to be out of bed for nearly a week which is a good sign. Things are getting back to ‘normal.’ I am starting to put ticks in boxes on my daily targets chart again after relaxing over the holidays and using my spoons to keep up with the festivities instead of working on my rehab.