No to ‘All or Nothing’

Today I showed up for something just as I am. Unwashed. Greasy haired. In bed.

It went against so much of what society has taught me over my 32 years of life; that people like me are Less and because we cannot contribute the same as Non-disabled people then we shouldn’t bother trying to contribute at all.

I’ve had that message reinforced over and over again, even here in what I consider to be my safe space of the internet.

So my contribution might be interpreted as Less but I’d actually argue that I give more of myself to things than other people do.

If someone without limited energy has 100% to give each day and gives 5%, while I have 20% to give each day and give 5%, aren’t I giving more…

Anyway. Back to my point.

What some consider to be brave is very different to what bravery looks like for me. Today I was brave. Well I think so anyway.

Being unapologetically my true poorly self takes guts I didn’t know I had.

Society openly declares that people like me, who don’t contribute or fit in in the ‘conventional’ ways, should be out of sight, and worse. The past 15 months have made that clearer than ever.

Despite the raging inner voice that often tells me I should quit if I can’t adhere to the All or Nothing approach, I am working to override those feelings and remind myself that life shouldn’t, and doesn’t have to, be that way.

I wasn’t well enough to sit up (always with my feet raised) and attend a zoom meeting today. I wanted to cancel. Zoom meetings, as a rule, are HARD. But I knew if I moulded things around my health I could still join in. So pals, I stayed in bed (sometimes slumped against my pillows) and did it from there.

Contrary to popular belief my best is good enough. That was my best today and I’m glad I was brave enough to see that it’s always, always enough.