Not to blow my own trumpet but I think it’s a huge deal and very brave that I am letting someone new into my life. Someone who will see the good, the bad and the ugly because it is impossible to hide. I don’t have the energy to pretend and I’m not sure I should have to even if I could. This is me now, whether I like it or not. Whether the people I date like it or not. That’s a tough one to face though. What if they run a mile because of the huge impact my health has on everything. I guess if they do, they do. What will be, will be. Look at me being all cool, calm and collected…
I’ve been lucky. I have met up with only one man I ‘met online’ and we are still dating three months later. So, as it currently stands, I can’t give you any gossip about M.E. scaring anyone off or give juicy details about terrible dating disasters in general. I’m trying hard not to undersell myself by telling him “You’re making a huge compromise physically.” Mentally and emotionally I’m pretty sound. Physically (and cognitively) not so much.
I am actually (and very surprisingly) getting on well with spending so much time with someone. That was my biggest concern – that just having someone sitting next to me on my poorlier days would be classed as overstimulation by my broken brain. It’s because I’ve made improvement since the latter part of 2014 that I’m coping with that bit, but also because I feel comfortable with him. He’s kind of cool. I am learning to trust that he really is okay with me not being able to do so many things. It’s very frustrating because I feel like the Old Anna would be so much more of a catch! She was adventurous and outdoorsy and a whole host of other things that the M.E. Anna cannot yet be.
I’ve been told I am not to apologise when I’m experiencing a crash and, for example, need to lie on the floor (yes this has really happened! Luckily not on our first date though!) I’m learning that a lot of the issues I’d imagined that would surface about M.E. are actually my issues, rather than those of the person I am dating. I’m trying not to let it frustrate me that I can’t do the basics like cook for him. (That’s probably for the best though as I am TERRIBLE in the kitchen.) I just feel a little bit useless. I would do so much more if I could. It’s never that I don’t want to.
I’ve tried to be honest, yet keep the balance between informing and moaning. I have explained that recovering from M.E. is essentially my full-time job. I will therefore not be able to do everything and anything despite not having any plans. Rest needs to be accommodated for. A lot. I won’t be able to see him even though I might be free. He seems to take it all in his stride…
I’ll keep you updated.
(But! If one more person says that my recent improvement and progress is down to the fact I’m dating I may throw all of my toys out of the pram! My argument is that without improvement I would not be able to date someone in the first place.)