Miranda Brewster – @MiranTheTempest
Recently I asked my twitter followers if anyone would be willing to share their experience of Depression and M.E. There will hopefully be other guest blog posts to follow as I feel it’s important to show all sides of this illness, even if I can’t talk about them first hand. Thank you to Miranda for being so honest and articulate.
Depression and ME
I have had both in the extreme. Severe depression as a teenager, where I couldn’t bear to wear colour, to sit in the sunlight, to be with anyone but my cat. A life of greyness, dullness, where nothing mattered or motivated me. Lethergy, lack of interest in future, present or past. Not wanting to exist.
Then severe ME as an adult , where EVERYTHING counts. Devastation at the loss of my life, frustration that I cannot create nor do due my body being paralysed with fatigue, racked with pain. Feeling taken to the point of death and being held there. Bedridden, loss of dignity, having to be spoonfed. Anger at the disbelief and criticism.
Yes, I’ve wanted to die with severe ME, but only because I want the horror to end, the miserable, endless suffering. But, I would rather get well than die. With depression I couldn’t see beyond that illness nor did I want to. With ME I fight, fight, fight!
Now I admit to both, but the depression is as a result of the ME. For 12 years of ME I fought off depression, always using every ounce of energy to plan, dream of and create my recovery. Even the paralysis and trauma didn’t put me back into depression. And now, even though I am recovered to the point of being able to wash myself, feed myself and walk a few steps a day, what has brought on this new depression is FRUSTRATION. And the more I recover the more frustrated I get. The world is there for me but I still cannot enter.
So, Depression and ME. Two totally different illnesses. They are worlds apart and should NEVER be confused.